it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
