this beer tastes like vomit already
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
