I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
