I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize