Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
