Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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