We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
