Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
