just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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