I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
