I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
