Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
