My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
