you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
