he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
