im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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