Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
