What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize