I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
