god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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