My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
