1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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