Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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