Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
