I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
