how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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