Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
