btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
