We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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