3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize