Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
