i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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