Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
