Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
