hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
