Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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