getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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