I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
