She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize