Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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