Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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