I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
