I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
