My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
