The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
