Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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