Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
