it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize