do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
