my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
