here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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