just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
