i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
