just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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